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Embracing Our Selves - Stone, Hal; Stone, Sidra (1989) (EN)

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Identity

Table of contents (as read)

  1. A New Vision of Consciousness
  2. Disowned Selves: Our Lost Heritage
  3. Voice Dialogue
  1. The Protector/Controller: Meeting "The Boss"
  2. The Heavyweights
  3. Disowned Instinctual Energies
  4. The Inner Child
  5. The Parental Selves
  1. The Empowerment of Women
  2. In Search of Higher Meaning
  3. Embracing Our Selves: A New Renaissance

General summary

Embracing Our Selves presents the Stones' model of the psyche as a plurality of "selves" (also called subpersonalities or energy patterns) and the Voice Dialogue method for engaging them one at a time. The framing myth of the Prologue — Zimmer's tiger raised among goats who finally lets out his "roar of awakening" — sets the book's thesis: we are far more than the narrow identity our upbringing trained into us. The theoretical core (Part One) defines consciousness as a process with three levels: a nonjudgmental awareness (witness), the experience of the many energy patterns, and an aware ego that receives information from both and can make real choices. Personality is described as a defensive structure of primary selves built to protect an original vulnerability (the "psychic fingerprint"), governed by a protector/controller; the selves punished and buried become disowned selves (a version of the Jungian shadow) which, when repressed long enough, turn "demonic" and return through projection, relationship conflict, illness, and dreams. Part Two profiles the recurrent selves: the protector/controller and the "heavyweights" (pusher, critic, comparer, perfectionist, power broker, pleaser), the disowned instinctual/demonic energies, the vulnerable, playful and magical inner child (with its opposite, the omnipotent voice), and the parental selves (good/negative mother and father, rational parent). Part Three widens the lens to the empowerment of women (warrior/jaguar energy, the guilty daughter and nice girl, the impersonal self, the inner patriarch), the search for spiritual/transpersonal meaning (being energy, the higher self, wise-old-man and wanderer voices, a critique of "unconditional love" and of equating spirituality with consciousness), and a closing "New Renaissance" vision grounded in Greek myth (Pentheus, Cadmus) — honor every self or the disowned one destroys you. Method notes recur throughout: work first with the primary selves, move the subject physically between chairs, remain nonjudgmental, use energetic induction, and ground the session by returning to awareness and the aware ego. The authors repeatedly caution that Voice Dialogue is a communication and exploration tool, not psychotherapy and not a complete therapeutic system. Depth note: this is a full-pass reading of all eleven chapters plus prologue (~78.8k words), based on close reading of each chapter's argument and representative transcripts; individual case vignettes within long chapters are summarized rather than reproduced exhaustively.

Chapter 1 — A New Vision of Consciousness

Opening from the "roar of awakening," the chapter argues we are made up of many selves and traces how personality forms: an infant with a unique "psychic fingerprint" develops controlling energy patterns to armor its vulnerability, and a bodyguard-like protector/controller becomes the directing agent most people mistake for their "I". The authors then define the evolution of consciousness as a process operating on three levels — awareness (the nonjudgmental witness), the experience of the energy patterns, and the aware ego (the choice-maker) — distinguishing genuine transformation from the mere "transmutation"/repression of disliked selves.

Verified quotations

"We have referred to the fact that we are made up of many selves." (ch. 1)
"Consciousness is a process that must be lived out—an evolutionary process that continually changes from one moment to the next." (ch. 1)
"Awareness is the capacity to witness life in all its aspects without evaluating or judging the energy patterns being witnessed, and without needing to control the outcome of an event." (ch. 1)
"The protector/controller is the primary energy pattern behind many other selves." (ch. 1)
"We must learn to honor all our selves. The selves we do not honor grow inside of us in unconscious ways, gaining power and authority." (ch. 1)

Chapter 2 — Disowned Selves: Our Lost Heritage

The disowned self is defined as an energy pattern punished each time it emerged and therefore repressed but not destroyed — detectable by the intense, uncharacteristic reactions we have to people who live it out. The chapter links this to the Jungian shadow, describes how disowned instinctual energies (survival, sexuality, aggression) accumulate and become "demonic" when negated too long, and illustrates through dreams (Agnes, Sally, Marvin) and transcripts (Mary's "Jack" and "witch") how such selves demand recognition and can be embraced without being acted out.

Verified quotations

"In Jungian terms, our disowned selves are a part of our shadow." (ch. 2)
"The disowned self is an energy pattern that has been punished every time it has emerged." (ch. 2)
"When natural instinctual energies such as the need for survival, sexuality, and aggression are disowned over time, they cycle back into the unconscious and go through a significant change." (ch. 2)
"Embracing her sensuality does not mean that Agnes must become sexually promiscuous." (ch. 2)

Chapter 3 — Voice Dialogue

The method chapter details the practice: creating a "psychic map" of a subject's primary and disowned selves, physically separating subpersonalities by having the subject change seats, facilitating each voice as if a real person, remaining nonjudgmental, and grounding the work by returning to the awareness level and the aware ego. It stresses built-in safeguards (respecting the primary selves, the self-protectiveness of subpersonalities, the subject's shared responsibility), treats the state as akin to an altered/hypnotic state requiring careful termination, and insists Voice Dialogue is a tool for exploration, not a form of psychotherapy.

Verified quotations

"Voice Dialogue provides direct access to the subpersonalities we discussed in the first chapter." (ch. 3)
"It is important to remain nonjudgmental when doing Voice Dialogue." (ch. 3)
"Voice Dialogue puts the subject into an altered or nonordinary state of consciousness." (ch. 3)
"The most effective protection for individuals using Voice Dialogue is the facilitator's commitment to respect the individual subject and his or her primary selves." (ch. 3)
"Voice Dialogue is not a school of psychotherapy, it is not a substitute for psychotherapy, and it is not a profession in and of itself." (ch. 3)

Chapter 4 — The Protector/Controller: Meeting "The Boss"

The chapter portrays the protector/controller as the first self to develop, born with personality itself to guard our vulnerability by determining acceptable behavior and recruiting other primary selves. Illustrated with transcripts of Californian, New York, Israeli, and British protector/controllers, it shows how this self is culturally shaped, conservative, and must be honored and allied with before any deeper work — and notes the modern problem of "consciousness" seekers who disown their protector/controller in the name of freedom.

Verified quotations

"The birth of personality is coincident with the birth of this consciousness—the protector/controller energy pattern." (ch. 4)
"Its function is protection: It protects our vulnerability and can even save our lives by ensuring that we act appropriately." (ch. 4)
"The protector/controller is both culturally and familially influenced, and each has its own basic inviolable principles." (ch. 4)
"The development of personality generally requires the disowning of our more sensitive feeling selves." (ch. 4)

Chapter 5 — The Heavyweights

This long chapter profiles the primary "heavyweight" selves that run most lives: the pusher (with its exercises, its New Age variant, and its opposite the do-nothing/hippie), the critic (the comparer, its attacks on physical appearance, and its possible transformation into an ally), the perfectionist, the power brokers (Sam's compulsive wealth-building masking a vulnerable child), and the pleaser (Nancy's disowned selfishness and rage). The recurring point: no energy is inherently negative; the aim is an aware ego that can hear these voices and make real choices rather than be driven.

Verified quotations

"A strong pusher will certainly help you achieve success in the world." (ch. 5)
"Please keep in mind that we do not view the pusher as a negative energy." (ch. 5)
"The critic is absolutely brilliant in its ability to make us feel rotten about ourselves." (ch. 5)
"However you are, someone else is better." (ch. 5)
"There is nothing wrong with pleasing." (ch. 5)

Chapter 6 — Disowned Instinctual Energies

The chapter treats instinctual energies (power, sexuality, aggression) that, disowned over time, become "demonic" and turn against the person — sometimes as an inner critic, sometimes as physical illness. Its central practical rule is paradoxical: prepare by working at length with the primary selves who fear these energies before approaching the demonic, and never be seduced by a subject eager to "work with my demonic." Transcripts (Georgine's bulldog, Sandra's cat, John's demonic voice) show these energies transforming back toward their natural instinctual form once honored.

Verified quotations

"The way to work with disowned instinctual energies that have become demonic is to wait before working with them." (ch. 6)
"It is a paradox, we realize, to say that the key to exploring demonic energies is to not explore them, but this approach keeps the work safe and grounded." (ch. 6)
"It requires great courage to allow the voice of the demonic to speak" (ch. 6)
"What is remarkable about this whole process is that when we have the courage to look at our disowned parts, they change." (ch. 6)

Chapter 7 — The Inner Child

The chapter distinguishes three aspects of the inner child — the vulnerable child (sensitivity, fear of abandonment, and the capacity for deep intimacy), the playful child, and the magical child of imagination — and argues the vulnerable child is the most universally disowned self yet closest to our essence. Through transcripts (Natalie, Suzanne, Peter, Laura) it shows how the aware ego learns to parent the child, and contrasts genuine empowerment with the omnipotent "top dog" voice whose inevitable partner is the frightened child.

Verified quotations

"Perhaps the most universally disowned self in our civilized world is the vulnerable child." (ch. 7)
"The inner child never grows up." (ch. 7)
"When we disown our vulnerability, we identify instead with our omnipotence." (ch. 7)
"Power by itself is illusory." (ch. 7)
"The discovery of the inner child is really the discovery of a portal to the soul." (ch. 7)

Chapter 8 — The Parental Selves

The chapter maps the seductive parental selves — the good mother and good father, who bond with the needy and the helpless and quietly deplete the person, and their inevitable opposites the negative mother (the fairy-tale witch) and negative father, plus the rational parent that bonds with an emotionally reactive child. Transcripts (Pat, Ann, Karen, Bob, Ted) illustrate "bonding" between archetypal patterns and how introducing awareness lets the system rebalance and the person make conscious choices.

Verified quotations

"The good mother is a most seductive subpersonality." (ch. 8)
"The good father is just as seductive as the good mother." (ch. 8)
"Just as the good mother bonds with the needy, the good father bonds with the helpless." (ch. 8)
"The negative mother has been portrayed in all her glory as the witch of fairy tales." (ch. 8)
"The negative mother appears for a good reason: to balance a system that is unbalanced." (ch. 8)

Chapter 9 — The Empowerment of Women

Framing power-related energies as culturally disowned in women, the chapter contrasts being "powerful" (identified with power) with true empowerment (an aware ego holding both power and vulnerability). It profiles disowned warrior/Amazon and "jaguar" (the killer who protects) energies against the keeping-small voices of the guilty daughter and nice girl, warns against merely swinging to the opposite archetype, and develops the impersonal self and the inner patriarch (the introjected woman-hating voice) as key to women's empowerment.

Verified quotations

"Warrior, or Amazon, energy has been disowned in women for millennia." (ch. 9)
"Men and women alike need warrior energy to protect themselves." (ch. 9)
"To deny our destructive energies, whether male or female, is to deny a major power source." (ch. 9)
"The ability to be impersonal, dispassionate, and objective is another quality often disowned in women." (ch. 9)
"Perhaps the greatest impediment to the empowerment of women is the inner patriarch." (ch. 9)

Chapter 10 — In Search of Higher Meaning

The chapter turns to spiritual/transpersonal energies, introducing the "being" (nothingness) self reached before the vulnerable child, and cautioning against mistaking an inner pusher/critic for genuine spiritual energy. Through the "Star Maiden" tale, dreams and visual meditations (Ethel, Doris, Siri), and Voice Dialogue with the higher self, hero/wanderer, and wise woman, it argues consciousness and spirituality are not identical, warns against the split between spirit and instinct, and reframes unconditional love as a byproduct of embracing all the selves rather than a goal to be forced.

Verified quotations

"The need for higher meaning and purpose is as much an instinct as is sexuality or thirst." (ch. 10)
"In our view, consciousness and spirituality are not identical." (ch. 10)
"Higher meaning and purpose are only found in spiritual experience." (ch. 10)
"Whenever we try to love unconditionally, whenever we try to transmute energies, we are supporting a repressive psychic process." (ch. 10)

Chapter 11 — Embracing Our Selves: A New Renaissance

The closing chapter grounds the whole thesis in Greek myth — Pentheus destroyed for refusing to honor Dionysus, and Cadmus who must embrace both the oracular (heaven) and the warrior/dragon's-teeth (earth) energies — to argue that every disowned self, like an ignored deity, turns against us. It defines the "New Renaissance person" as one committed to the never-ending evolution of consciousness, notes what must be given up (the security of a single identity and the feeling of always being right), and closes that nothing need be sacrificed except total identification with specific selves.

Verified quotations

"The energy pattern we disown will turn against us." (ch. 11)
"That which we reject becomes the fate we live." (ch. 11)
"The evolution of consciousness does not demand that we live out each of the energy patterns with equal fervor." (ch. 11)
"Nothing need be sacrificed except our total identification with specific selves." (ch. 11)

What the book does NOT say

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